Cardinals-Reds Series Postponed

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    Paid - Annual

    In a move no one saw coming, the Cardinals have decided to postpone their Thursday opener in Cincinnati for the first time in team history not due to weather or the COVID virus, but because they don’t feel they have a good enough team to compete.

    “We thought that adding Nolan Arenado would stabilize our offense and make us a contender,” said President of Baseball Operations John Mozeliak to the media via Zoom on Thursday morning. “It turns out that we forgot entirely about the other half of the field, and realized upon leaving Florida that we didn’t have any usable outfielders.” “Mo,” as he’s known to many in St Louis, wore a nervous smile and had a noticeable amount of sweat on his forehead as he spoke.

    “This one is on me, guys” he went on to say. “I felt like we had to have missed something this winter but I remembered talking about Harrison Bader as one of our team anchors and so I just put it out of my mind. Last night as I went to bed in the Radisson, it suddenly hit me that we hadn’t brought any outfield to Cincinnati. Sure, we have Tyler O’Neill, but is this a weightlifting competition? Dylan Carlson hasn’t hit .300 in the minors yet! And Justin Williams can kill worms with his 110 mph grounders, but that isn’t gonna cut it in the big leagues.”

    Realizing that his only hope to salvage the season was to await the return of the savior, Harrison Bader, Mozeliak quickly called up Cincinnati counterpart Nick Krall to plead his case. Luckily, Krall described Cincinnati’s shortstop situation as “a literal dumpster fire” and was all too willing to delay the season to save face and keep his job a few days longer. “I really owe Nicky a solid,” Mo said with a chuckle. “He only forgot 1/9th of his team and I forgot a third, so he bailed us out with his quick surrender. I only had to send him a player to be named later named Nolan Gorman to get him to give us the weekend off. Joke will be on him when he sees how much that guy strikes out!”

    At press time, a copy of Athlon’s baseball preview episode could be seen in the background of Mo’s call, and he indicated that he would be “spending the afternoon looking through triple A stat lines to try to find some outfielders before we have to leave for Miami.”

    Sorry, couldn’t help myself. Lol. We can change the thread title after the game is over tonight. Hope y’all have a great opening day and don’t get fooled!



    Kill worms…

    Should have a cameo on Dune, Mo Emperor.

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